Live quietly in the moment and see the beauty of all before you. The future will take care of itself. — Paramahansa Yogananda
Last year on my birthday I climbed out of my bedroom window, perched on my little corner roof and watched the sunset. No one else was home and I was perfectly content. Later in my journal I wrote the following:
I’m so full, my toes are tingly. Laying on my bed, soft and light, my hair is long, the longest it’s been in a while. There’s dirt on my feet because I spent the afternoon exploring an abandoned toll station near the railroad tracks and transplanting tomato plants in the backyard. I hear our four ornery chickens and the birds who live in the tree outside my window. A pleasant breeze enters my room, blowing my curtains in and out, breathing. A soft yellow light fills the gaps and makes shadows on my floor. I love the tree outside my window, it swallows me up, holds me in its branches. There is life happening on all four sides of my room, it’s as if the walls do not exist. My body feels good, my mind and heart, too. God is good and ever-present, God is good and gives me breath, life, and food. God is good and supplies all that I need.
At the start of 2017 I made an extensive list — a list of all the ways I wanted to be, all the ways I knew were of my True Self and that I wanted to actualize. Some of the words were: slowness, simplicity, self-trust, discipline, self-sufficiency, collaboration, creativity, etc. Under each word, I included tangible action-steps to living out that word more faithfully. For example, one way I knew I could live a slower pace of life was to switch from using an iPhone to a basic flip phone. It was radical and I knew what it would cost me (connection to friends, GPS, photo-taking capabilities, etc.). But I knew I would gain so much more. The year of 2017 was all about getting to know my True Self in Christ, getting to know God, and getting to know this Existence. By no means was that “accomplished”, but was only just beginning.
Today, a year later, I sit in my same bedroom, listening to the same birds, plus maybe their children, too, reflecting on the last year of my life. It all seems familiar, like I just did a loop. Cyclical. I was born on May 21st, 1993, but really, I am born every May 21st. And truly, I am re-born every single morning that my eyes open. God is making all things new, day after day, minute after minute. Constantly reconciling, restoring, making new, birthing life into this world.
Earlier this week I was mediating on a truth from Psalm 139, which says, “You are the one who created my innermost parts, you knit me together while I was still in my mother’s womb.” After spending some time with those words, what came to mind was my mother’s womb — her innermost parts and the place where I came from. God knows my mother’s innermost parts, which is where I came from, and God knows my grandmother’s innermost parts, which is where my mom came from, and so on… And I was led to Mary, the Mother of Jesus, and then Eve, who was created by God from dirt. And where did I end up? I was brought to God’s never-ending, eternal womb.
This morning’s journal entry is in similar vein as last year’s. While I am in a different situation in life, I am just as full:
Country tunes play softly through the radio while a gentle morning breeze carries the songs of the birds right to me, their sweet notes caressing my face. Ryan makes me breakfast, his famous and my favorite salsa eggs, toast, and orange juice. My lover-friend thoughtfully gifted me with the sweetest morning, along with a lovely note and a Hori Hori knife with an inscription of the symbol of our trip, and, truly, of our life together. Showered, fed, kissed, I feel full and loved. And what a gift from God, I am able to have a slow and restful morning… waking up to the Reality of Today. God is giving me space to slow down, remember, and look people in the eyeballs, a mantra given to me a couple years ago. Sipping coffee with space to just be, I am reminded of and anticipate the goodness and love of God.
Now, as a light rain falls outside my window, my prayer is that every day I can sit in the reality of God’s eternal womb, non-stop love, and constant transformation of all things.
I haven’t written/posted anything since February. A brief update of 2018 so far:
In January, I met my kid-bestfriend, lover, & partner, Ryan. Not going to lie, it’s a pretty amazing story. It has to do with Paramahansa Yogananda and much more. Definitely more to come on this.
In February, I traveled to Florida with my family to visit with my grandparents. It was just like old times’ sake! Minus my brother-in-law, Shane. Mom made a flat Shane, which we ended up leaving at the Beach Pub.
In March, I started interning at White Pine Wilderness Academy in Rocky Ripple. An incredible place that teaches kids primitive/traditional skills, survival skills, and mentoring. Basically, we play outside all day.
In April, I went to Iceland with my friends Kailey & Mark. Simply put, it was incredible. We drove around the entire island, camped/stayed at hostels, and explored 100-year moss, glaciers, and hot springs.
So far May has been full of blooming flowers, multiple transitions, bike rides, making friends with plants, basket-making and spoon carving, and working in the garden. More to come, peace.
Live quietly in the moment and see the beauty of all before you.
The future will take care of itself.
— Paramahansa Yogananda